Dudes,
Whatever I write right now is going to sound like I'm pissed. I suppose I am, but I also feel more free and happy than I have in a very long time. Listen dudes...it just isn't that serious. Nothing is. I'm a microscopic speck of dirt who is breathing, moving around, and whining on an almost as microscopic speck of dirt flying through space. My bullshit means nothing and neither does yours.
On my way home today I pulled over at a gas station to grab a diet coke. When I got back in the car the engine wouldn't start. I had a brief freak-out moment because I was 200 miles from home and a couple hundred dollars short of being able to get anything fixed. I sat there for a second, took a sip and ate some almonds, and then I just started laughing. I knew if my car wouldn't eventually start I was going to be stuck in this random mountain town for a while. For some reason that became hilarious to me. I've driven about 3,000 miles in the last two weeks, and this is where it was going to end. What a grand finale! Nothing short of what I deserved.
Well my car eventually started and I was on the road again.....Just can't wait to get on the road again, the life I love is making music with my friends, and I can't wait to get on the road again. If you don't know what song that's from you should eat some anthrax.
I'm seriously considering voting for Willie Nelson for president this year. Obama=annoying, Every Republican Ever=fucking annoying. And don't try to tell me about Ron Paul's "Love Revolution." The only reason anyone likes Ron Paul is because he reminds all of us of our crazy uncles. At first you just think he's nuts, but if you listen to him long enough his twisted logic starts to make sense. Then Thanksgiving is over and after you're home for a few days you think back and realize that he is, in fact, just nuts.
I guess I'll get back to why I'm pissed because that's what the kids come here to read. I'm really big on fairness, honesty, and privacy. All three of those things are currently an issue in my life. Apparently if I'm an active participant in society I must endure violations in those three areas on a regular basis. Why? because people don't understand that it just isn't that serious. Why is it so hard for people to tell the truth? Why is it so hard for people to treat others fairly? Why is it so hard for people to allow others their privacy? BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS SO FUCKING SERIOUS! Can we just get on with it, please?
There are so many fun and enjoyable things about life, but we obsess about all the shitty things that tear our spirits down. I'm beginning to learn that even the shitty things can be enjoyable in their own way. I've been told my whole life that the world is a big, scary place and to look around every corner for evil. You know what? Fuck that. I'm not saying it's not true, but why do I have to live that way? As far as I know I'm only going to live one time so I'm going to do my best to enjoy it. I'm going to tell the ones I love how I feel about them and do my best to make their lives better. I need to forgive the people who have hurt me or done me wrong, and do my best to rebuild relationships with people who I've hurt or done wrong. I absolutely do have one specific person in mind and I'm working on it. She has my key.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
No Mas Tejano
Dudes,
My brain is blank. This is the fourth time I've started a post in the last 36 hours, but I keep giving up because I have nothing dumb yet insightful to say.
I'm currently living in a very strange place. The people are nice but not exactly what I'm used to. There's a very casual vibe going on in this house which I like a lot, but it also makes it feel like I'm living in a halfway house for fellow burnouts. I don't start my job until Wednesday, so I've been taking a lot of naps. Naps are nothing new or out of the ordinary for me, but even the old hibernating bear eventually wakes up hungry and grumpy. We have that in common. Oh, and I thought I had a poor diet! These people make me feel like a health nut. I hear soda cans popping and bags of potato chips crackling all day. It's anarchy.
Speaking of health food, I think I had forgotten what real tacos taste like. This town is flooded with Mexican restaurants that actually make their own tortillas! What a concept!! Mexican people do a lot of things well, but by far their most important contribution to the world is their food. Anyone who knows me knows that about 50% of my daily conversation revolves around Mexican food, and about 90% of my thoughts revolve around Mexican food. In Raleigh there is only one place I know of that makes its own tortillas. The rest wrap their beans and whatnots in these thin, semi-edible sheets of paper. And I willingly go and eat at these places. The system is broken.
Texans are pussies. Yeah I said it. Here's why: It's 70 degrees outside and they have the heat on inside this house. 70 degrees is God's temperature. This is the kind of weather where you swing all the windows open and have conversations with each other like, "Dude, this weather is delicious. 70 degrees in January makes me want to have sex with you." But we're not having that conversation because Texans are...the P word.
I have an idea. Somebody buys me a falcon and I say thank you. I'd like a falcon and I'd like a falconer's glove more. I don't think people argue with falconers. Think about it, someone cuts in front of you in line at Taco Cabana and you get mad. Then you notice he has a falcon. What do you do? Nothing. Anyone with a falcon surely has more important business to conduct than you cashing your $60 check for babysitting your neighbor's mistakes. I'm not even sure I need the bird. I should try just the glove first and see what type of responses I get.
I've been here for four days and I'm ready to move on. I need to get on the money-making train pronto.
My brain is blank. This is the fourth time I've started a post in the last 36 hours, but I keep giving up because I have nothing dumb yet insightful to say.
I'm currently living in a very strange place. The people are nice but not exactly what I'm used to. There's a very casual vibe going on in this house which I like a lot, but it also makes it feel like I'm living in a halfway house for fellow burnouts. I don't start my job until Wednesday, so I've been taking a lot of naps. Naps are nothing new or out of the ordinary for me, but even the old hibernating bear eventually wakes up hungry and grumpy. We have that in common. Oh, and I thought I had a poor diet! These people make me feel like a health nut. I hear soda cans popping and bags of potato chips crackling all day. It's anarchy.
Speaking of health food, I think I had forgotten what real tacos taste like. This town is flooded with Mexican restaurants that actually make their own tortillas! What a concept!! Mexican people do a lot of things well, but by far their most important contribution to the world is their food. Anyone who knows me knows that about 50% of my daily conversation revolves around Mexican food, and about 90% of my thoughts revolve around Mexican food. In Raleigh there is only one place I know of that makes its own tortillas. The rest wrap their beans and whatnots in these thin, semi-edible sheets of paper. And I willingly go and eat at these places. The system is broken.
Texans are pussies. Yeah I said it. Here's why: It's 70 degrees outside and they have the heat on inside this house. 70 degrees is God's temperature. This is the kind of weather where you swing all the windows open and have conversations with each other like, "Dude, this weather is delicious. 70 degrees in January makes me want to have sex with you." But we're not having that conversation because Texans are...the P word.
I have an idea. Somebody buys me a falcon and I say thank you. I'd like a falcon and I'd like a falconer's glove more. I don't think people argue with falconers. Think about it, someone cuts in front of you in line at Taco Cabana and you get mad. Then you notice he has a falcon. What do you do? Nothing. Anyone with a falcon surely has more important business to conduct than you cashing your $60 check for babysitting your neighbor's mistakes. I'm not even sure I need the bird. I should try just the glove first and see what type of responses I get.
I've been here for four days and I'm ready to move on. I need to get on the money-making train pronto.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Blast Off!
Dudes,
Have you ever been on a quest? I feel like I'm currently on one, but the problem is I haven't found the Quest Booklet. I'm not sure if such a thing exists, but the word "quest" makes me think of Zelda, so there must be some kind of book of magic potions that comes along with these types of adventures. I don't remember if there are magic potions in Zelda or not, but it sounds right in my head. I played video games when I was a wee lad, but I was much more interested in riding around the house on my horse that was actually a baseball bat with strings tied around it for reigns.
My dad has always been the kind of dude that thought, "Why go out and buy the real thing when I can make my kids hate me instead?" Juuuuust kidding. He just doesn't believe in excess, and I've grown to greatly admire him for that. He still doesn't have cable television...doesn't believe in it. When we used to take our once-a-month trips out to a restaurant we all knew the conditions: Everyone gets water and don't even glance at the dessert menu. To this day, whenever he gets coffee at a McDonald's drive-thru he asks if it comes with some free french fries. I'm sure growing up poor really sucked for him, but the scars from his childhood suffering now provide me with great entertainment. Thanks, pop.
Why is it that you're able to quickly forget some people that were in your life for a long time, but it's equally impossible to forget some who were in it for just a short period? The cynical side of me says it's because the "short period" people weren't in my life long enough to make me dislike them, but I'm growing tired of my cynical side and think he should shut his damn mouth. There are some people who make an instant impression, and no matter how much time goes by they will always be in your life in one way or another- even if the only relationship you have with them is in your imagination. I'm sure that sounds creepy, but I'm attempting to be deep and insightful here. Don't ruin it.
Whatever...you ruined it.
Stay away from the chili verde
Unless you want to get blown away
Treat the spider with a little respect
You take the heat – it’s gonna bite back
Blast Off at Cape Canaveral
Toilet seat is your launching pad
Blast Off at Cape Canaveral
4-3-2-1 Blast Off!
Capsaicinoids are a thing to avoid
Unless you want to burn in that ‘roid
We’ll be laughing and rolling on the floor
When we hear you screaming through that door
Blast Off at Cape Canaveral
All Systems Go!
Blast Off at Cape Canaveral
4-3-2-1 Blast Off!
Jalapeño, habañero
Burning all your hair down there-o
Picinu, vindaloo
They’re gonna getcha, they’re gonna getcha, too
You know those red things in the Kung Pao
Don’t say I didn’t warn you now
Take the time to pick them out
Or the spider gets grouchy
And it’s time to countdown!
Blast Off at Cape Canaveral
Houston, we have a problem…
Blast Off at Cape Canaveral
4-3-2-1 Blast Off!
Have you ever been on a quest? I feel like I'm currently on one, but the problem is I haven't found the Quest Booklet. I'm not sure if such a thing exists, but the word "quest" makes me think of Zelda, so there must be some kind of book of magic potions that comes along with these types of adventures. I don't remember if there are magic potions in Zelda or not, but it sounds right in my head. I played video games when I was a wee lad, but I was much more interested in riding around the house on my horse that was actually a baseball bat with strings tied around it for reigns.
My dad has always been the kind of dude that thought, "Why go out and buy the real thing when I can make my kids hate me instead?" Juuuuust kidding. He just doesn't believe in excess, and I've grown to greatly admire him for that. He still doesn't have cable television...doesn't believe in it. When we used to take our once-a-month trips out to a restaurant we all knew the conditions: Everyone gets water and don't even glance at the dessert menu. To this day, whenever he gets coffee at a McDonald's drive-thru he asks if it comes with some free french fries. I'm sure growing up poor really sucked for him, but the scars from his childhood suffering now provide me with great entertainment. Thanks, pop.
Why is it that you're able to quickly forget some people that were in your life for a long time, but it's equally impossible to forget some who were in it for just a short period? The cynical side of me says it's because the "short period" people weren't in my life long enough to make me dislike them, but I'm growing tired of my cynical side and think he should shut his damn mouth. There are some people who make an instant impression, and no matter how much time goes by they will always be in your life in one way or another- even if the only relationship you have with them is in your imagination. I'm sure that sounds creepy, but I'm attempting to be deep and insightful here. Don't ruin it.
Whatever...you ruined it.
Stay away from the chili verde
Unless you want to get blown away
Treat the spider with a little respect
You take the heat – it’s gonna bite back
Blast Off at Cape Canaveral
Toilet seat is your launching pad
Blast Off at Cape Canaveral
4-3-2-1 Blast Off!
Capsaicinoids are a thing to avoid
Unless you want to burn in that ‘roid
We’ll be laughing and rolling on the floor
When we hear you screaming through that door
Blast Off at Cape Canaveral
All Systems Go!
Blast Off at Cape Canaveral
4-3-2-1 Blast Off!
Jalapeño, habañero
Burning all your hair down there-o
Picinu, vindaloo
They’re gonna getcha, they’re gonna getcha, too
You know those red things in the Kung Pao
Don’t say I didn’t warn you now
Take the time to pick them out
Or the spider gets grouchy
And it’s time to countdown!
Blast Off at Cape Canaveral
Houston, we have a problem…
Blast Off at Cape Canaveral
4-3-2-1 Blast Off!
Monday, January 2, 2012
Angus Young carries me home
Dudes,
Those last two posts only served selfish purposes and were obviously aimless ramblings. But hey, you know what? I liked them both...mostly because I'm god-like and can practically do no wrong. EXCEPT!! I've once again, against my better judgment, shaved my beard off. I look like a lumpy gerber baby without facial hair. It's heinous.
My mother gave me a block of wood for Christmas. It's the best gift I've gotten in recent memory. This wooden block happens to have an eagle carved on it, and I've pretty much convinced myself that it's an original art piece by Sitting Bull. I'm also certain it's an authentic war trophy taken by General Custer at Little Bighorn. The Abbot and Costello look-a-like contest winners on American Pickers have already offered me $6, but I think I can get $300,000.
So how about that college football? Boring.
There are a few super trustworthy, non-lunatics who think the world is going to end this year. It's about damn time. Has anyone looked around lately? This place is a dump. Plus, Terry Bifkin and I didn't get our ketchup today at Bojangles. Let me explain this. We did not ask for ketchup. The drive through gal asked us if we wanted ketchup. We said yes. Well, actually I said yes because Terry and all my other hipster friends think only fat, mouth-breathing, God-fearin', Middle-Americans eat ketchup. But whatever...not the point. We were specifically asked and we specifically stated "YES" we would like some ketchup. So we drive back to Terry's house to watch Arsenal lose again (nice), and there is NO ketchup. SHEEEE!!! ASKEDDD!!! USSSS!!! I really cannot wrap my head around this....
Bojangles drive-thru gal to awesome dudes: "It'll be $10.73. Y'all want ketchup?"
Awesome dudes: "Uhh.. yeah"
Bojangles drive-thru gal to other Bojangles worker bee: "Yeah they said they want ketchup."
Bojangles worker bee: "We ain't got no ketchup."
Bojangles drive-thru gal: "There you go. Y'all have a good one."
Awesome dudes: "Thanks, you too."
...............Awesome dudes get home: "WTF?"
Hearts were broken today at that drive-thru, and no one wants to see that happen ever again, especially the Mayans. They looked into the future, and they saw the kinds of shocking things that were happening in drive-thrus all across America in 2012 (even back then they knew that other countries were unimportant). So naturally they knew that this year must be the bitter end. They decided it and I'm okay with that. Why am I okay with it?
That's why. Look how hard they ruled.
What would you do if you knew the world was ending? I would listen to AC/DC.
Those last two posts only served selfish purposes and were obviously aimless ramblings. But hey, you know what? I liked them both...mostly because I'm god-like and can practically do no wrong. EXCEPT!! I've once again, against my better judgment, shaved my beard off. I look like a lumpy gerber baby without facial hair. It's heinous.
My mother gave me a block of wood for Christmas. It's the best gift I've gotten in recent memory. This wooden block happens to have an eagle carved on it, and I've pretty much convinced myself that it's an original art piece by Sitting Bull. I'm also certain it's an authentic war trophy taken by General Custer at Little Bighorn. The Abbot and Costello look-a-like contest winners on American Pickers have already offered me $6, but I think I can get $300,000.
So how about that college football? Boring.
There are a few super trustworthy, non-lunatics who think the world is going to end this year. It's about damn time. Has anyone looked around lately? This place is a dump. Plus, Terry Bifkin and I didn't get our ketchup today at Bojangles. Let me explain this. We did not ask for ketchup. The drive through gal asked us if we wanted ketchup. We said yes. Well, actually I said yes because Terry and all my other hipster friends think only fat, mouth-breathing, God-fearin', Middle-Americans eat ketchup. But whatever...not the point. We were specifically asked and we specifically stated "YES" we would like some ketchup. So we drive back to Terry's house to watch Arsenal lose again (nice), and there is NO ketchup. SHEEEE!!! ASKEDDD!!! USSSS!!! I really cannot wrap my head around this....
Bojangles drive-thru gal to awesome dudes: "It'll be $10.73. Y'all want ketchup?"
Awesome dudes: "Uhh.. yeah"
Bojangles drive-thru gal to other Bojangles worker bee: "Yeah they said they want ketchup."
Bojangles worker bee: "We ain't got no ketchup."
Bojangles drive-thru gal: "There you go. Y'all have a good one."
Awesome dudes: "Thanks, you too."
...............Awesome dudes get home: "WTF?"
Hearts were broken today at that drive-thru, and no one wants to see that happen ever again, especially the Mayans. They looked into the future, and they saw the kinds of shocking things that were happening in drive-thrus all across America in 2012 (even back then they knew that other countries were unimportant). So naturally they knew that this year must be the bitter end. They decided it and I'm okay with that. Why am I okay with it?
What would you do if you knew the world was ending? I would listen to AC/DC.
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