Two-timing a two-timer

Dudes,
     If my 3 readers don't mind indulging me, I'd like to make this entry about something rather serious and critically close to my heart. If you came here to read the idiotic ramblings that I've presented up to this point then I'd like to say I'm sorry for this short detour. But NOT TO WORRY! The S.S. Incoherence will continue sailing very soon.

     My Entire life has been influenced by religion. Hmmm.....influenced? Actually it's been mostly dominated by it. Like the majority of people I know, Christianity is my tradition. It doesn't really matter if I believe in it or not. I've been told to believe in God and Jesus for as long as I have been pooping in a real toilet (probably longer). Yes I think talking about poop is funny, but the point I'm making is that God is as central to my existence as bowel movements. The difference between those two things is that I know for a fact bowel movements exist. Anyone who was raised to be a Christian understands what I'm saying.

     Why is it that I've been learning about God and Jesus Christ my entire life, but the whole concept is more confusing now than it has ever been? Shouldn't it be the other way around? There are just too many damn nagging questions.

     It turns out I'm pretty broke. So today I went to try to sell a laundry basket full of books and dvds at Edward McKay's Used Books. It's a nice place. As I was waiting for them to dig through about 200 items only to offer me $37, I came across a book called Farewell to God. It was written by a lovely man named Charles Templeton. I say Mr. Templeton is lovely mainly because he's Canadian and all Americans know that Canadians are nicer than us and are usually, in fact, quite lovely. Mr. Templeton is a former evangelist who used to travel with Billy Graham. He studied theology at Princeton and was once one of the most prominent leaders in the American Presbyterian church. The reason most of us haven't heard of him is because he's super old and did most of his churching in the mid-twentieth century. Yep...churching...I liked it too. Because his book is called "Farewell to God," you've probably figured out that he left the ministry and is no longer a Christian. Just too many of those damn nagging questions...

     There are tons of silly little questions that bug me like, "Why does God continue to let good people suffer while Manchester United keeps winning?" That was a soccer joke. But for reals, questions never go away, but I'm just going to focus on a few big ones. The God of the Old Testament is moody, jealous, insecure, vengeful, and extremely nit-picky. Then in the New Testament Jesus shows up and tells everyone how merciful and loving God is. So which is it? If God is so loving and merciful then why are there so many conditions on me being able to spend eternity in his heaven? And if he is jealous, insecure, and vengeful then is that really a god I want to worship or who is even deserving of it? Mr. Templeton is smarter than me so here's a piece of his mind:

"...let common sense rule for a moment: is it reasonable to believe that if the Creator of all the earth and Father of all mankind wanted to reveal himself and his will to the men and women of the world he would do so only to a tiny group of Mediterranean people, leaving the remainder of the world in ignorance? But many Christians do believe and teach this. They believe that, apart from their God, all men and women live in pagan darkness. Indeed, it is this conviction that provides the motivation for Christians in their efforts to get the gospel message out. Even more incredibly, Christians believe that the failure to accept Jesus Christ as Saviour and Lord is to be consigned at death to an endless hell.
     The implication of this belief is clear: it is that the vast majority of the men, women, and children who have lived on earth are in Hell suffering endless torment and will remain in this condition forever.
     To believe this is to make the Christian God a monster beyond imagining. Any intelligent human being will recognize that the concept is incredible." -Charles Templeton, Farewell to God

     Like I said earlier, the subject of Christianity and faith is very important to me. There have been times in my life when I was completely devoted to following to Jesus, and there have also been times when all the questions and uncertainties made me want to walk away from it completely. To be honest, I find most Christians kind of annoying, but I think that has a lot to do with living in the Bible Belt my entire life. Puritan culture is so deeply rooted in this part of the country that it's downright disgusting. I know people who wholeheartedly believe that the type of haircut you have is directly related to the content of your character. Then again if you drive a minivan with those stick-figure family stickers on the back window then I probably hate you and believe you to be lacking character. I guess we all have our prejudices.

     Here's one of the biggest questions I have: "What exactly is it that I need to be saved from?" My parents do gross things with each other then around nine months later I pop out. Mom says, "I shall call him Benny." Dad says, "Ben, cut the grass." So I slobber around for a while until I get to about age 5 and then the party is OVER! I am now at the "age of accountability" and am responsible for all the horrible things I've done and will do in the future. Apparently I'm a dirty rotten sinner and I need Jesus to come save me. Damnit. I was having so much fun too. The "age of accountability" has got to be my favorite Christian creation. One day some saint had a reasonable thought and said, "Wait....what about children who die before they are able to understand who God is? What happens to them? Hmmm...wow...this is a tough one.....I GOT IT!! How about an 'age of accountability?' Now we just need to twist a Biblical passage into supporting this new amazing idea. Well we've done it before. How hard can it be?"

     So I ask Jesus "into my heart" and I'm immediately saved from hell. That's fantastic. I'm officially part of the heaven club. Wait...what's heaven again? Oh yeah it's the place that I had no idea existed five minutes ago but you needed some more incentive for me to want to accept this Jesus dude so you told me I could go to heaven if I did. Well what happens if I don't accept Jesus? What? ....Shit. I was unknowingly making penis shapes with play-doh five minutes ago and then life got really serious all of the sudden. What happened?

     Here's the deal....If God so loved the world then why would he make everything so complicated? In reference to this, the musician, David Bazan, asks God, "Did you write a riddle that you knew they would fail?" God creates us, tells us to follow him, and then turns around and says "Oh by the way, you will never be good enough for me and you deserve to go to hell." What the hell, God? I'm just trying to eat these tacos. Mmm...I'm hungry. Blog over soon.

     I want to leave this entry open-ended for two reasons. I like to hear what other people have to say on this subject, and also because I'm as clueless as ever about what I believe. Responses to this post will be much appreciated.

I really REALLY hope I never write a blog entry this long again.